Homeschool Facts

Nobody wins in a power struggle. They are the most unfruitful things we can do with our children, yet often as parents we find ourselves having a power struggle.

Recently we were at home one Friday night when some of my son’s friends came knocking at our door. They wanted Kieren (age 13) to come outside with them and play Spotlight with them at the park. It was 8.30pm at night when they called and my children had just arrived home from Youth Group. So they were hardly being deprived of entertainment. Yet my son decided that he was going to play in the park with his friends no matter what mum said. The conversation went something like this:

“Mum, can I please go outside with my friends?” I said to him quite firmly, “no, not tonight”. Almost straight away Kieren came back at me with “oh mum, all my friends are going outside. I want to go”. Then he added, “you can’t stop me”. I thought for a minute, then I repeated my answer to him, “you are not going outside again tonight”. Then I walked away.

I could hear him becoming more and more disgruntled and talking out loud with his protesting but I quietly stood my ground. I had to endure about ten minutes of major protesting and a couple of door slams however he did not try to leave the house that night.

I believe I won the victory because I did not try to force him to be happy about my decision. He was very angry at me but after a few minutes he calmed down. You cannot always get a teenager to say sorry straight away. That night, Kieren needed time to cool off. He went to bed angry with me. But in the morning he came to me with an apology.

As parents we should realize that kids often try to exert power over others, whether peers or parents. When this happens we should try to offer choices rather than making too many demands. This can ease the pain associated with conflict and ultimately prevent power struggles from occuring.

It is quite normal to test our authorities. Most of us will do it sometime in our lives. When our kids do it they want to know that we will be strong for them and not waver in our boundaries. When this happens our kids feel more secure.

Parents, it is just not your job to be liked. Sure it is nice when your kids like you but reality is that they won’t always like you. Get used to it. That’s life. If your kids liked you all the time you are doing something wrong. Kieren definitely did not like me that night. But the next morning he came to me with an apology. Better late than never, I suppose…

I accepted his apology, nevertheless the consequence stayed the same. You know, do the crime, pay the time. When Kieren woke the next morning his bedroom door was off its hinges. That was for the door slamming episode that should never have happened in our house. And that action itself was avoiding a power struggle. There have been no more door slamming episodes in our house and Kieren has learned a valuable lesson.

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