Homeschool Facts

For 13 years you have slaved and worried. You have changed diapers, nursed them through chickenpox, cried on their first day at school, cheered for them in the school Christmas play, patched up skinned knees, and packed their lunch box for their first day at secondary school.

Those years must have been the most difficult, right? They were totally dependent upon you and that took a great deal of your energy. Shouldn’t it be easier now that they are teenagers? They are more independent and don’t need your help in every situation. They can also help you around the house and in the garden. They can take care of themselves if you want a night out on the town. You can converse with them about subjects you will both enjoy, right?

How come what happens next is that things change when your child goes through their teenage years? What happens? In some societies, a 13 year old would be thought of as an adult. They could work in the government and even marry. This is not the case in Western society. Teen years in the Western part of the world are stricken with with conflict and struggles.

There are two parts to the answer: biology and culture.

The brain is complex. It is in a great state of growth and development during the teenage years. It is always growing, expanding, evaluating, and making links. These links build the foundation for memory, learning, perception, and social rationale.

From birth through age 12, your child’s brain absorbs and learns a large amount. At birth the brain communicates through non-verbal means and by age 12 your child can communicate through effective verbal and reasoning means.

Then the teenage years hit the brain like a tornado. The brain goes into a state of shambles after which it rebuilds itself. While your brain is rebuilding itself your child might not be able to do some of the things they could before. For example, speaking to the opposite sex has suddenly become virtually impossible without becoming quite nervous. Throughout the teen years your child will need to understand the components of social interaction and how they fit into the whole social scene. They will make friends and strive to find their sexual ife partner.

Comprehending the ins and outs of the social scene can be difficult for their teenage brain. Their brain goes back and forth between its methods of operation during their pre-teen years and how they are expected to act as teens. This tug-of-war can make the social behavior of a teenager inconsistent and sometimes perplexing.

This tug-of-war is also affected greatly by the ups and downs of their sex hormones. Plus, teens tend to stay up late and skip much needed sleep. These factors together can make for one feisty teenager.

Teens also have to deal with the different expectations placed on them now that they are teenagers. They hear every day from many sources that they “should” be doing certain things and the definitions between normal and abnormal. Expectations for how they should act during each year of their teenage experience is detailed by their parents, friends, teachers, police, and society. It can be hard for a teenager to discern exactly how they should act when they have all these people forcing their opinions on them.

This leads into the problem with forcing expectations. If you have one, then there is the possibility that your expectation will not be met. A behavior that is considered a “no-no” is turned into a big problem.

So, with all these people having different expectations of what your teenager “should” be doing, plus the heady biological mix described above, is it any wonder that the fireworks go off?

So, how do you manage all of this? Here are some ideas. Next time you are in an argument with your teen - or getting frustrated with his or her behavior, consider the following:

1) Fighting and yelling are not effective.

2) Your teen, like you, is simply trying to achieve the very best outcome that he or she can, given her current abilities and perspectives (which are probably different to yours),

3) Your teen might be just as confused as you are as to why you keep getting in arguments!

4) Why is it such a potent problem? Whose expectation has not been met? Is this really a devastating problem in the big world of life?

5) Try to think of different ways of working with your teenager besides forcing them to take your point of view.

6) The teen years will pass - they will grow up. When they do, what kind of relationship do you want to have with them, and what memories?

Yes, have rules. Yes have expectations. But, at the same time, Mom, Dad, chill out a bit. Don’t totally alienate them - find some ways of having FUN again.

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